Liam's Tattoo

Matt: "Have you got any tattoos Noel?"

Noel: "No no no no... I just think they're rediculous"

Matt: "Really?"

Noel: "Yeah"

Matt: "Liam's got one, hasn't he? On his arm"

Noel: "I rest my case."

Drunks, The Lot Of 'Em

Noel: "Has anyone got... anyone got any booze..?"

Russell: "No, there's not any booze! What do you think this is?! It's not 1995! What's wrong with you?!"

Matt:" You're so judgemental. I walked in with a can of Magners and it was as if I had a crack pipe"

Russell: "Other ciders are available.. What's wrong with you boys? Be professional!"

Matt: "We can have a drink without going crazy and jumping on top of a van, taking our clothes off, and punching a prostitute in the face!"

Russ Makes Things Difficult

Matt: You made that much harder than it needed to be

Russell: What? How?

Matt: By being a drug addict!

Under The Sea

Russell: If I did a stand up gig under the sea I wouldn't be in a gas rig I'd just be down there shouting my mouth off at an octopus "Hey you, do you know how many drugs I used to take? Byeeeee!"

Under The Sea

Russell: If I did a stand up gig under the sea I wouldn't be in a gas rig I'd just be down there shouting my mouth off at an octopus "Hey you, do you know how many drugs I used to take? Byeeeee!"

He Had It Coming...

Trevor - "A wardrobe fell on me once."

Russell - "I don't blame it."

Only Russell May Sing

Russell - *sings* Trevor have you lived in some interesting places?"

Trevor - *starts to sing* Oh I have Russell Brannd*

Russell - "TREVOR! ONLY I MAY SING!"

The Revolution

Russell: "You wait, you wait until I'm all nice and properly famous then we'll have the revolution.."

Matt: "You keep saying that, it keeps getting more and more, 'Wait till I get a base on the moon!' nothing's ever going to change"

Russell: "It will mate, honest. Once I've got that moon base..."

Void

Russell: ...this is what I wrote, or what someone, mysterious wrote. 'Oblivious to the cliche of the void, irritated, riled, annoyed.' Right and even when she read that back she goes, "Oh that's a bad rhyme, to rhyme annoyed and void, it's called a weak rhyme. Or something like that. She goes, "Oh we have a special word for that in poetry circles it's called a gay rhyme," or something like that. Trying to use some juvenile, derogatory comment. "Oh we call that a *makes fart noises* poem, that's the special word we use." Gee, you're a poet...

Gee: She's made that up.

Russell: She's made that up! She's made it up to hurt me!

Matt: You're just bitter about this.

Russell: I'm not bitter. Then Matt's put 'What are the homeless carrying?' Which is nice you know, I've not got a problem with Matt's poems.

Matt: I was wondering why they have all them carrier bags with stuff in them.

Russell: Why have the homeless got so much stuff?! Look, if you're gonna be homeless.. COMMIT to it. Stop having so much stuff! Wandering round with a flatpack Ikea bed under one arm and a cuckoo clock under the other. Either you're homeless or you're not, GET A GRIP!

Noel & Customs

Russell: "I bet Noel's had trouble with customs in his time, hasn't he?"

Matt: "Yeah, remember he told us a story about that -"

Russell: "- The English custom of eating with a knife and fork, for example. I've seen him ploughing through a Shepherds pie with his elbow.."

Russ & Matt's Children

When talking about Les - Russell's (American) driver

Russell - "I've got a driver cause i happen to be over here, working my hardest so that your children don't grow up in disgusting poverty, alright? so bear that in mind . . . "

Matt - "Those are OUR children !"

School Report

Matt: We were going along in the taxi on the way here looking for our school reports and I was saying "yeah... biology, business studies, French" and then Russell was going, "yeah... geography, swordfighting." ... SWORDFIGHTING! Can you imagine it?!

Russell: Yeah that's when I went to Italia Conti when I was sixteen. I left school, got a grant and went to Italia Conti... Oh this is good, this is for acting: "Russell Brand. What can I say about Russell that won't upset you? Really not a lot. I'm afraid he's wasted his year at the Academy; he's been to several of my classes but he's never been dressed correctly, and frankly, I became fed up with telling him. He puts very little effort into his work and what he puts in ain't up to much..." Bloody cheek.

Matt: What does that mean that you weren't dressed appropriately, how inappropriate could you be, before at a drama school, they say "that's bad?"

Russell: I was dressed as Dracula. It wouldn't have mattered but we were doing The Sound of Music! I dunno, I was just wearing my normal sort of attire, I did have that "cape of love" thing.

Russ In Drag

Russell: "Shut up! I'm doing an item!"

Matt: "Yeah? You're WEARING A DRESS!"

Grudge 2

(Jonathan was referring to Russell's girlfriend simply as "Grudge 2" which she acted in)

Russell: "She's not actually called Grudge 2."

Jonathan: "She is now!"

Trashing Sneakers

Russell : "I've trashed my sneakers!"

Matt: "What does it mean? Been sick on your shoes?"

Oxford Award

(Russell was being given an award at Oxford University)

Russell: "I'll probably go there, I'll get applauded by a lot of students, have it off with a couple of them, Bob's your Uncle, nice little certificate."

Matt: "DON'T give him that award, he doesn't deserve it, listen to what he just said!"

Russell - "No, I'll be nice, I do deserve it, I think. I remember now, I'll be good boy that day. Come on, give me me reward! RE-WARD! RE-WARD!"

Russell's Dancing

(On Russell's dancing)

Matt: "His dancing's like someone in a flick-book."

Kenickie

Kenickie: "I'm recovering from my back operations, so I'm standing up almost straight. I'm not walking round like an ape anymore.."

Russell: "Oh, that's good you're not walking round like an ape, we've got one of the Gallagher brothers here, they specialise in that"
_________

Kenickie: "I don't want people to get the idea I'm an axe murderer or anything.."

Noel: "Well you do carry a hatchet, Jeff."

_________

Russell: "Ere, Jeff. We've got your new single to play, what's it called, mate?"

Kenickie: "This song is called 'Crazy'..."

Noel: "Is it autobiographical, Jeff?"

Russell's Buckle Boots

Matt: "I don't like them, has your stylist seen them?"

Russell: "Uuh, actually she bought them. So..."

Matt: "She didn't."

Russell: "She bought them and she sent them on a bicycle or summit."

Matt: "I bet she went ahead fo you, thought oh, Russell's going shopping, saw them and thought oh my god he'll like those, bought them went to the coast to throw them in the sea and you bumped into her and went "Oh Sharon yoohoo! oooh what are they?"

Russell: "Oooh buckle boots!"

Noel's Jeans

Noel: "A pair of jeans of mine went missing.. so.. I, eh.."

Russell: "That's an interesting story in it's self"

Noel: "I'm not going to go into it. I've explained it to Sara. She understands. The jeans have gone. They're not comming back."

*starts talking about Sara and Donovan for a while*...

Russell: "...yeah, I'm really glad you've got such a lovely son.. Now, about these jeans you left rapped around a lampost outside a gay club somewhere on sunset strip."

Gee's Real Name

Q: "What's Gee's real name?"

Matt: "Gwenevere"

When I'm 64

(In reaction to hearing Russell's cover of When I'm 64):

Noel: 'Did you sing that in total darkness in the studio whilst on your tiptoes like Nosferatu? Cos it sounds like you did - Did you have a black top hat on and a big false nose on as well, like Rigsby?'

Pretending To Be Gay

Russell: "It's a good idea, pretending to be gay, because I've always noticed the tendency of women to let gay men touch their boobs"

Matt: "But women let straight men have sex with them, so maybe your aiming too low."

Dreadful

Russell: "Now you've got a dreadful headache."

Noel: "Oh really. Have I. Well you've got a dreadful fashion sense."

Driving Rain

(About Story Land's raincheck policy)

Russell: "That's NOT a driving rainstorm. It's clearly cycling."

Forgot The Ability To Present The Show

Matt: You found out that we'd left some of the tracks you wanted to play back in London and said "Well maybe I've left the ability to present this show back in London!"

Monkey's Birthday Ruined

(A man adopted a monkey, brought it a cake on it's birthday, and one of the other monkeys got jealous and attacked the man):

Russell: '"... But quite frankly, this will always be remembered as the day that Bernard had his face torn off."'

Matt: '"Yeah, way to go guys, thanks for ruining my birthday."'

Welcome To 2008

(Russell was mad because they didn't have a song ready that he wanted to play on air):


Russell: "GO ON ITUNES, WELCOME TO 2008!"

Gee's Visit

Russ: When are you gonna come out here gee?

Gee: I'll come when are you guys coming back?

Matt: Why is that when you'll come?

Russ: Yeah what a spiteful way of phrasing that

Noel Will Destroy Russell

Noel: 'All right, well let me tell you this - I'm going to go and buy The Guardian now, right, and if there is any derogatory comments in there on me you're getting it on Soccer AM. [...] What've you said?'

Russell: 'I goes, "Noel Gallagher came out as a bisexual on my radio show, and instead of answering questions on the FA cup he'll probably spend the whole time trying to grope Tim Lovejoy's thighs."'

Noel: 'Oh you are g— I am gonna destroy you.'

No Pillow Mint

Russell: "I don't know what they're baffled about but it's led to me not getting a mint on my pillow and I'm not happy. I just chewed through the pillow in the end Matt, I was so bleedin' furious about it all"

Noel's Thumbs

Matt (to Russell): 'Are Noel's thumbs the same as Liam's like you always go on about?'

Noel: 'No, mine are opposible.'

Kissing Trevor

Trevor: 'Matt - he's going to kiss me before the end of the show.'

Russell: 'I will NEVER kiss Trevor Lock! To all our listeners - I will NEVER kiss him! It'll be a cold day in hell before I kiss those scabby little labia, those grim facial scars, that slash that passes for a gob! I'll never kiss that mouth Trevor! There are no circumstances—'

Matt: 'Listen, when you two have stopped flirting... I'm still doing a cultural review.'

Homeless James

(about Russell's friendship with Homeless James):

Matt: "You practically had a joint account with him!"

Unlocked

Trev: 'It's a soundscape that I've created that if you can unlock, will reveal to you a well-known song title—'

Russell: 'The only thing that needs to be unLOCKed is this radio show.'

Battleship

Russell: And Noel said, 'Yeah, I'll come on the show and we can have a game of verbal battleships' and I said, 'Yeah, it'll be my royal yacht against your dirty little tugboat.'

Matt: Neither are battleships...

Trevor In Afghanistan

Russell: Have you got any stories about new year?

Trevor: Yeah, well one of the customs I learnt was...

Russell: In Peru?

Trevor: Afghanistan this was

Matt: You've haven't been to Afghanistan

Russell: They wouldn't trust you there, there was a war on

Trevor: Before the war

Matt: That was going on when you were a child, the Russian war

Trevor: I wasn't in the Russian war, was I. It was after the end of the Russian war

Russell: What were you doing between wars in Afghanistan?!

Trev Can't Draw

Trevor drew a picture of what he wanted his hair to look like while visiting a foreign hairdresser. He believed they thought he wanted a pedicure after looking at the picture prompting this:

Matt: "How bad was your drawing that it looked more like a foot than a head?"

Trev's Haircut

Trevor was at a hairdressers in Peru -

Trevor - "She [the hairdresser] indicated to me a side room, so I went into that with her... and... eh... she got a bucket out..."

Russell - "Trevor! This storie's making me anxious"

Matt - "What did she do? Milk you?"

If Russell Was Gay

Question - "Russell, who would you turn gay for out of the following - Matt, Noel Feilding or Noel Gallagher?"

Russell - "If it was a marriage then Matt. If it was just for dirty sex it would be Noel Feilding. And if I wanted boring sex with a decrepit, wrinkly old man - it would be Noel Gallagher"

Russell Gets a Wii

Matt: "What did you get in your goodie bag?"

Russell: "Er, a Wiiiiiiii! Which I'm embarrassed- I had to give it to a little boy."

Matt: "You should have given it to this little boy, me!"

Catching Cholesterol

Russell: "What did you have your blood tested for?"

Matt: "Dunno, for cholesterol and everything."

Russell: "For cholesterol? You don't get cholesterol off prostitutes!"

Russell's Bionic Arm

Matt: "Who took [the picture]?"

Russell: "Me, actually, like, with my extended arm."

Matt: "You haven't got an extended arm."

Russell: "Matt, I didn't want to worry you. I'm bionic. Byronic, bionic, ironic, all of 'em."

Matt's Hypocondria

Russell: "As usual, I asked Matt politely, 'how are you' before we begin the show. Matt, as usual, lists the ailments of the week."

Noel Is Not an Atheist

Russell: "Aw, that's a nasty, nasty perspective, especially from an atheist."

Noel: "I'm not an atheist!"

Russell: "Hold on, you said you don't believe in God, Noel."

Noel: "I don't, that doesn't make me an atheist."

Russell: "Well, I think it does." [...]

Noel: "Don't label me, I don't belong to any group."

Russell: "Well, you do. There's Oasis for a start."

And a Sandwich...

Trevor: "... and there was a lady witch and a man witch and-"

Russell: "And a sandwich."

Matt's Laptop

Russell: "Who are you going with, your ladyfriend?"

Matt: "My laptop."

Russell: "Is that what you call her?"

Ghostbusters

Russell: (reading out an email) "All the great things are simple and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honour, duty, mercy, hope-'

Matt: "Ghostbusters."

Trevor Loves Russ

Russell: "Do you love me, mate?"

Trevor: "I do sometimes."

Russell: "Well, what about this time?"

Trevor: "I didn't love you last night when I was on that sofa, listening to those sounds, clutching your cat for warmth."

Russell: "You shouldn't have-- The sounds were probably coming from the cat."

Trevor's Dinkle

Trevor: "He walked into the bathroom and saw my dinkle."

Russell: "Oh my God! Why? Why would you even leave it in there?"

Russell Drinks From Toilets

(Russell was talking about his boyband audition)

Russell: "And I'd been in the toilet, drinking, to cope with my nerves, so I was probably all red and blustery, and a little bit all plump and rubbish, all crooked and odd."

Matt: "You drink from toilets when you're nervous?"

Right, Listen...

Russell: "Right, listen, right, erm, oi, listen..."

Matt: "I am listening! In fact, we all are, it's radio, they've got no choice!"

Vanity

(Trevor claimed the sin he was most guilty of was vanity)

Russell: "If you went to the gates of heaven and God asked you if you'd committed any of the seven sins and you said 'Vanity', I think he'd look you up and down and say 'Come on in mate, don't worry about it''.

Slumped In a Lift

(Russell was in America, Matt was in London. When getting ready for the show, Nick warned Russell that "Matt's pissed".)

Russell: "What? He's pissed? Pissed angry or pissed drunk? Give me an example of something he's said."

Nick: "He's slumped in a lift."

Happy New Year

Russell: "Happy new year Trev. I see you didn't get any new clothes for Christmas."

Fudge Song

This was sung to Trevor on his "special day":

Russell: "We're very sorry Trevor. We love you very muuuuch. Kiss and cuddle Trevor...GIVE HIM LOTS OF FUUUUDGE!"

Judas

(Matt had compiled a list of bad things Russell had done to call him out about on air)

Matt: "Oh and one more thing. You are a JUDAS!"

Matt The Everyman

Matt: "I drank Cider, now everyone's drinking cider. I drank Rose, now everyone's drinking Rose. I'm an everyman."

Russell: "No Matt, you're just a drunk!"

Matt Goes Gun Crazy

The boys had been target shooting with a local man, when Matt, in frustration turned towards everyone else accidentally pointing the loaded gun at them. The man teaching them put his hand up in a STOP gesture and proclaimed:

''NO! You do NOT shoot your friends!''

You've Seen Me Dance...

(During a night out on the town, some guys picked a fight with Trevor, Matt stuck up for him to avoid an actual fight. Trevor made the following remark to the ladies that were with them that night)

"Ladies, you've seen me dance but you don't wanna see me fight."

Confessions Of An Idiot

(Russell was telling a story about going to a police station after he believed he was being followed by a van, Matt later said it sounded like a script he was writing called 'Confessions of an Idiot')

Matt: "You went into a police station because a van was near you? 'There's a van following me, it keeps morphing into other cars!' "

Summer Mugging

(Trevor is telling a story about being mugged)

Trevor: "It was a summer mugging."

Russell & Matt: "Summer mugging, had me a blast!"

Smurf Jesus

Russell: "Do you think there is a Smurf Jesus?"

Matt: "I think there was....but they nailed him to a mushroom."

Living With Russell

Matt: "I'm never living with you again Russell. You wont let me eat anything but tortillas and hummus."

Cultural Review Jingle

Russell: "Matt's cultural review. Matt's ridiculous opinions. Matt grapples with culture, but ultimately uses it to try and pull birds, to try and pull biiiiiiiiiiiirds. It's not really a cultural review at all! Yeah! Matt Morgan whooo!"

The Guilded Balloon Wine Bar

(Trevor was trying to promote a gig while they were at the Edinburgh Festival)

Russell: "So it's in the Gilded Balloon, in a wine bar."

Trevor: "The GILDED BALLOON WINE BAR."

Russell: "Oh sorry!! Oh great.... all the greats have played there... Remember when Lenny Bruce was there? At the Gildedballoonwinebar.... the Gildedballoonwinebar.... GILDEDBALLOONWINEBAR!" (to infinity)

The Snowdome

Russell: "Do the snowdome! It's a dance sensation! Do the snowdome! It's sweeping the nation! Do the snowdome! Show us your boobs! Do the snowdome! Don't be so rude! It's the snowdome, snowdome, snowdooommmmeee!"

Christmas Cheer

Russell: "This must be our 11th Christmas together Matt?"

Matt: "Yeah, something like that."

Russell: "Whatever it is, what I'm trying to say is I'm sick of the sight of you."

Herbal Viagra

(After taking Herbal Viagra on air)

Matt: "Is your face really hot?"

Russell: "MY FACE IS ALIVE WITH HEAT!"

Crying At Movies

Russell: "I do cry sometimes when I watch a movie."

Matt: "Why? 'Cause you're not in them? 'Uhuhuh.. I'll never get an award for THIS!'."

Manners

Russell: "He was using lots of words that I didn't understand."

Matt: "What like?...Manners?"

Slash AH-AHHHHH

Russell: "SLASH!! AH-AHHHHH! MATT REALLY FANCIES HIM!"

The Alsatian Incident

Matt - "An Alsatian was having sex with me when I was... not having sex with me, humping me"

Russell - "Do you remember this vividly Matt?"

Matt - "No, I was told about this by my family, my nan was going 'Oh, we were very worried about you, couple of days you weren't right after this"

Russell - "Couple of days? Three decades have passed and you're still a bit odd"

Trevor - "When you see a dog now how does it make you feel?"

Matt - "Just...randy."