Liam's Tattoo

Matt: "Have you got any tattoos Noel?"

Noel: "No no no no... I just think they're rediculous"

Matt: "Really?"

Noel: "Yeah"

Matt: "Liam's got one, hasn't he? On his arm"

Noel: "I rest my case."

Drunks, The Lot Of 'Em

Noel: "Has anyone got... anyone got any booze..?"

Russell: "No, there's not any booze! What do you think this is?! It's not 1995! What's wrong with you?!"

Matt:" You're so judgemental. I walked in with a can of Magners and it was as if I had a crack pipe"

Russell: "Other ciders are available.. What's wrong with you boys? Be professional!"

Matt: "We can have a drink without going crazy and jumping on top of a van, taking our clothes off, and punching a prostitute in the face!"

Noel & Customs

Russell: "I bet Noel's had trouble with customs in his time, hasn't he?"

Matt: "Yeah, remember he told us a story about that -"

Russell: "- The English custom of eating with a knife and fork, for example. I've seen him ploughing through a Shepherds pie with his elbow.."

Kenickie

Kenickie: "I'm recovering from my back operations, so I'm standing up almost straight. I'm not walking round like an ape anymore.."

Russell: "Oh, that's good you're not walking round like an ape, we've got one of the Gallagher brothers here, they specialise in that"
_________

Kenickie: "I don't want people to get the idea I'm an axe murderer or anything.."

Noel: "Well you do carry a hatchet, Jeff."

_________

Russell: "Ere, Jeff. We've got your new single to play, what's it called, mate?"

Kenickie: "This song is called 'Crazy'..."

Noel: "Is it autobiographical, Jeff?"

Noel's Jeans

Noel: "A pair of jeans of mine went missing.. so.. I, eh.."

Russell: "That's an interesting story in it's self"

Noel: "I'm not going to go into it. I've explained it to Sara. She understands. The jeans have gone. They're not comming back."

*starts talking about Sara and Donovan for a while*...

Russell: "...yeah, I'm really glad you've got such a lovely son.. Now, about these jeans you left rapped around a lampost outside a gay club somewhere on sunset strip."

When I'm 64

(In reaction to hearing Russell's cover of When I'm 64):

Noel: 'Did you sing that in total darkness in the studio whilst on your tiptoes like Nosferatu? Cos it sounds like you did - Did you have a black top hat on and a big false nose on as well, like Rigsby?'

Dreadful

Russell: "Now you've got a dreadful headache."

Noel: "Oh really. Have I. Well you've got a dreadful fashion sense."

Noel Will Destroy Russell

Noel: 'All right, well let me tell you this - I'm going to go and buy The Guardian now, right, and if there is any derogatory comments in there on me you're getting it on Soccer AM. [...] What've you said?'

Russell: 'I goes, "Noel Gallagher came out as a bisexual on my radio show, and instead of answering questions on the FA cup he'll probably spend the whole time trying to grope Tim Lovejoy's thighs."'

Noel: 'Oh you are g— I am gonna destroy you.'

Noel's Thumbs

Matt (to Russell): 'Are Noel's thumbs the same as Liam's like you always go on about?'

Noel: 'No, mine are opposible.'

Battleship

Russell: And Noel said, 'Yeah, I'll come on the show and we can have a game of verbal battleships' and I said, 'Yeah, it'll be my royal yacht against your dirty little tugboat.'

Matt: Neither are battleships...

If Russell Was Gay

Question - "Russell, who would you turn gay for out of the following - Matt, Noel Feilding or Noel Gallagher?"

Russell - "If it was a marriage then Matt. If it was just for dirty sex it would be Noel Feilding. And if I wanted boring sex with a decrepit, wrinkly old man - it would be Noel Gallagher"

Noel Is Not an Atheist

Russell: "Aw, that's a nasty, nasty perspective, especially from an atheist."

Noel: "I'm not an atheist!"

Russell: "Hold on, you said you don't believe in God, Noel."

Noel: "I don't, that doesn't make me an atheist."

Russell: "Well, I think it does." [...]

Noel: "Don't label me, I don't belong to any group."

Russell: "Well, you do. There's Oasis for a start."